|
| Ugggg.... that basically explains my life right now. I'm not really depressed I'm just in a depressed mood, trust me there's a difference. I've felt, lately, that I don't connect with people any more. I see all of my friends who have the same amount of people they're aquainted with as me but they're relationships with these people are so much stronger than all the people I know. It's like they connect more. It makes me think if any part of my past has shaped the way I handle relationships. Girls are not really my problem. I can talk to any girl without problems but I only stay with the people I know the best. I never get past a certain point with anyone. Men, boys whatever they're completely different. They make me far more nervous. You see on TV these perfect couples, people happily in love giving each other sweet kisses both mad about the other. I've never had that and its all I dream about. I went to the beach with my friends for spring break and they would talk about their boyfriends and all i could think about is the one person I really want to be with and how I will never have the guts to ever do anything about it. I've had so many chances to say something or do something. I've been in his room so many times he took me to a cliff with a breath taking view. I spent a magical friday night at a party and all we could do is stare at each other. But then he won't talk to me at school, and won't call me to do stuff. Everything is mixed up. But I think he is the only one during high school at least. But you think someone would take a chance. But not me. I don't have the courage. I think that's all i need is more courage to step outside my comfort zone to connect to people. When you're in a closet with an attractive male wanting to kiss you when you haven't felt another's lips in over 5 months and you say no, wouldn't you feel a little dissappointment in yourself. I'm just ugggg. I.....just..........uhhh.....
leslie | | |
| DONNIE DARKO IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.....kinda. It's one of my top favorites for sure.
I went and saw my psychologist today. It was really good. She's really really nice and we shared a few laughs. She's not really really serious but on the other hand her laughter is a serious one. I think this is going to help me a lot. We're going to try to figure out if I am really kind of low or if I just know how the world works now but I don't think it's the world that is bothering me. We talked about Sarah and all that she did to me. She told me it wasn't my fault and when I think about it to let the thought come up and don't fight it. She also told me to remember all the stuff that I think about throughout the day. Just to see exactly what goes through my mind. That's got to be really really scary. It's good.
I don't really have that much more.
I watched Edward Scissorhands. I didn't really think it was that sad. It was but not like I want to cry sad. And trust me I'm the only one that cries in movies. I'm just way too overemotional, but it's me.
I am now obessed with taking pictures of everything!! I love to take pictures. I want to take some of people now. Not posing pictures but natural life kind of things. So if anyone wants to take some pictures with me, give me a ring-a-ling.
I'm in love with all of you. Every single one of you!!!!!! | | |
| Hmmmm.....I don't know what to write. O my gad last time I was kinda bitchy so let's not do that again.
I haven't gained any of the weight back that I lost when I was in the hospital. I don't think it's a good thing to weight 105 at age 16. But hey at least my bruises are gone. I no longer look like I've been shoting up. I think I'm gonna go get everything straightened out about all my medical problems soon.
My wallet was stolen on Friday. It had everything in it. I'm talking bout drivers liscence, credit card, school ids, gift cards, kroger plus cards, and insurance cards. All of it gone. The worst part is that it was stolen in the middle of my 3rd period class out of my purse which is right below my feet. It hasn't been found. This just put me over the edge of my emotional strength, and I just cried. So much stuff had been piling up and I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I think I get to go see a psychologist before Thanksgiving. I think it'll help me sort throught some stuff. I hate being sad so much, and hopefully I'll be able to be really happy again.
This year has sucked so much. Not only have I been really sick this year, but people just piss me off now. They're either Emo and sad or bitchy and annoying. It fucking sucks.
Then I get to church today which I didn't even want to go to because I didn't feel that well. I go and there are little 9 and 10 year olds from Africa singing for us. If you didn't know Africa is a big thing with me. I want to go there when I'm older and just talk to the people and hopefully help them there. Anyway, these kids have had so much tragedy in thier lives. At least on of thier parents have died and all of them live in extreme poverty. But when they get on stage, they are lively and smiling. Their faces have hope and joy in them, and the first thing that came into my mind is I should be happy. If these children can be happy it should never occur to me to be sad.
.I had an epihany right there in a pew in church where most of the time I don't believe in what they are talking about. Today was different it made me believe for the first time in years. It feels really good. I almost started crying sitting and watching these kids, because they are the people I want to help. They are my future, and it made me smile. | | |
| I'm neutral. I have no feelings toward the situation. I no longer care
about dealing with this problem that has gone on much longer than it
needed to. I am on no sides. I'm just over all discussions about
who's selfish and whose not because the real truth is we are all
selfish. When it comes to people we care about everyone is always
selfish, IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS. No one can help it. It always seems
that this word selfish is a bad thing. One must be selfish to survive. We were all selfish, Megan, Chad, and I.
I am not writhing this to get back at anyone nor to get anyone upset. I am not writing this to bitch. I am writhing this to give relief to myself and maybe possibly mend a few things.
I have experience in situations involving broken friendships and
guilt. I have been through them more that I would like. But I still
don't handle things well. I didn't handle things as well as I could
have. I admit it maybe more people should admit things got carried away
and things were said that shouldn't have been said. Texts were sent
that shouldn't have been sent. Xanga's were written that shouldn't have
been written. Everyone does things they regret during an argument. It's
the way we learn what not to do next time. I think we all learned what
not to do. You might not feel bad about it now but you will soon. But
this is only what I have discovered in the past. No one should be proud
of themselves right now.
Now all the name calling. Was it really necessary? Did it make
things better? It shouldn't have. It never did for me. Now you have to
live with knowing that you caused real pain for a person. I refuse to
go as low as calling someone a bitch or cunt. Low is exactly what it
was. I think the reasons people call each other nasty things is because
they think some kind of satisfaction will come from it. We all know
deep down all it makes us feel is emptiness. It is never alright to call someone nasty things ever. EVER.
The purpose of this was not to attack anyone. I want you to know I did
this for me. My feelings towards the people in this situation disgust
me. When I see them outside this thing I couldn't enjoy anything as
much. I think it is time that we all examine how things were handled,
and then see how we feel. The feeling shouldn't be good for anyone.
It's not for me. I'm over it. I'm tired of hearing myself referred to
as a bitch. It needs to stop. All of it.
leslie
| | |
| Too much has happened this past week. Most of it I'll not mention, I'll just give you the jest.
I had annual skits Wednesday. It was so much fun. People said I did
really really well. It made me feel amazing. I had such an adernaline
rush. Someone did steal my t-shirt though. We all went to IHOP;
Chad, Tory, Megan, Elyse, and I. Megan wouldn't talk to Chad and got
really upset as the night went on. I just kinda blew it off, because I
felt so amazing. I asked if it was me, and Megan told it was partly. It
kinda shocked me. I took Chad and Tory home and we all just kinda
discussed what all happened there. No one really knew. When I got home
Tory called me crying. There was a incedent with her parents that I
won't mention. She didn't take my offer of staying the night. I went in
my bathroom afterwards and just cried.
Earlier that night I got a message from Megan asking about Chad and I's
relationship. It said she was paraniod that there was something going
on behind her back which isn't true. I guess I seem threatening.
The next morning I found out that Chad and Megan were on a "break." It
hit me that it seemed like my fault. And of course I cried. I spent the
day upset and my mom and I made the decision to go see a phsycologist.
I think its for the best.
There are many things that I would love to say but the timing isn't right. To two people.
I've been talking and hanging out with Chad its been a lot of fun. He makes me really happy.
I feel bad for both Chad and Megan.
There is so much more, but it should not be said.
love leslie
| | |
|
|
